When I first started "working" on my pain from a mind body perspective, I thought I would simply regulate it away. I was deep into the practices of yoga, learning about the nervous system, pain neuroscience, and the many ways this beautiful practice offered regulation to support wellness. Breath and asana slowed me down, brought me in touch with what it really felt like to feel ease and safety as an embodied experience. And WOW, was that a different place than I normally hung out. I thought I had the key in my hands. Keep this up, and I'll never suffer again!
I remember it clearly, however, the day I approached my teacher seeking advice on my practice. I was on day 8 out of a 10 day kundalini yoga retreat, and I couldn't shake the feeling it was stirring up that I was somehow stuck, missing something, or just simply not getting it. Why didn't I feel great?? So I started in with a raw inquiry and share, "I feel kinda fu**ed up....?" The question mark, if anything, a plea to hopefully hear that it would pass, or that he had the perfect solution for how to get back to yogic bliss. But the reply was surprising enough that it still feels vivid to me now over 7 years later. He simply smiled and said, "Yep, you're on the right track".
Wow. This isn't just about finding yogic bliss??
That little exchange spurred an exploration that fueled the remainder of my time there. And when I left, I felt overwhelmed by the power of a new knowing. If I can create a stable self container, I can feel confident that I can trust myself to face the full truth of my experience. I don't need to be in bliss all the time to be okay. I can be okay even in the shakiness, even in the challenge, even when I feel "fu**ed" up. And as I connected with that steady container, I noticed I felt more free to let go of any "box" I had put around my life that previously would have (hopefully) kept me closer to that sought after bliss. I didn't need as much control of my external circumstances. I didn't need to please others as much to be okay. I could face challenges, and could trust I would get through. I could trust myself in the joy and in the challenge. I could be me, fully, and work with what that brought to me. It was a revolutionary experience for me.
It also was the beginning of some of the most challenging growth I'd yet had. Because although I felt more free to be myself, it also meant I was being called to be just that, more me. And not just in private, but out in the world. And despite how it seems like exactly what you'd resonate with in an inspiring speech, and think, "yes! of course! I want in!", man, it was incredibly scary! In many ways, it was the beginning of my reckoning with creating the life I really wanted. It inspired me to ask for what I needed at work (despite a strong fear that it would lead to me being fired or would feel as though I was letting down my employer, who I respected deeply), encouraged me to move more deeply into the healing arts (away from the stability of a purely western model, including the job security it offered), and gently (or sometimes not so gently) coaxed me into expressing and sharing my needs in my intimate relationship. It was liberating...and scary as hell.
And so began the realization that, all this time, my pain had been whispering to me: "you get to be here too...". Connecting with my self container regularly showed me...
I don't have to be perfect to be okay.
I don't have to be perfect to be loved.
I don't have to be perfect to be successful and feel I have meaning.
I don't have to meet others expectations to know I have value.
I have value simply because I am me.
Being me is valuable to others.
My needs are just as important as my partners.
What I see as important is just that, important.
"No" is a full sentence.
And as those beliefs became true to me, I noticed something else very interesting...my pain showed up less frequently. When I started to show up more, my pain didn't have a reason to.
And so I share with you my journey into bliss, and my journey into what I saw as the dark closet of my "fu**ed" up shadows as inspiration. You too have the ability to connect with your self container and experience how that empowers you to enter the world as you, fully. Take solace in knowing you are not alone when you feel stuck, burdened, or confused. Others have been there too. And those aspects of you do not imprison you, make you bad, or in a state needing to be "fixed". Being with them, noticing how you can hold them, is what builds your willingness to enter the world, trusting your full experience, and fully as you. It's not just about bliss. Your hard feelings show you your strength. They show you YOU. And YOU are beautiful.
Join me in this month's series to explore how you might connect with your self container.
For those of you who aren't members with us yet, check out this month's pop up (available for only 48 hours!) to get a sense for what the series offers. If it sparks your interest, consider joining us as a member as we continue to all grow together in learning about overcoming pain and suffering.
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